An open letter to the city of Anaheim

To all of you living in Walt Disney's playground...

Please understand that I say this with the deepest of respect, but...

You suck. Seriously. You all suck.

It's been a while since I wrote in this space, and frankly, I've needed time to decompress from my absolute disappointment over the events of the first round of the playoffs. But now that the World Series is set, I feel like my mind's clear enough that I can clearly express myself.

As a born and raised Southern Californian, I understand the laid-back culture. Having lived on the East Coast for about two years now, I still get odd looks from people when I don't get riled up about much. I get the same looks when I wear ripped jeans out and about, but I'm used to that...it's a little more uptight on this end. And yes, California fans have a rep of being kinda lame and quiet and showing up in the third inning and leaving in the eighth (something I never understood...and it's a well deserved bad rap). But seriously...

The Angels have existed since 1961. That's 47 years. And in 47 years, the Angels had never won 100 games in one season until this year. They had never clinched the AL West title earlier than they did this year. They had never had home field advantage throughout the postseason until this year. And you let them down. This was the best team in baseball this year...hands down. I don't want to hear crap about them playing in the weakest division in the majors (which they did), and how their record was a product of that (which, in part, it was). This team finished the season with the best road record in the majors, equal to their home record (both 50-31). Arte Moreno showed his interest in putting together a team that had a legitimate shot at the World Series by signing Torii Hunter in the offseason, and acquiring Mark Teixeira at the trade deadline. And yet, when Jason Bay hit a two-run homer in game one of the ALDS to give the Red Sox the lead, there were audible "Let's Go Red Sox" chants at the Big A. Disappointing.

What is wrong with you? How are you not getting into fights with Massholes left and right in that crowd? This is OUR home! You've got the best team in baseball, and to borrow a line from an old Bill Simmons column, you let Sox fans do everything short of make out with your girlfriends in front of you! Where's your f&%king pride??

I realize I'm a bit of an anomaly for the SoCal sports fan. I live and die with every Angels at bat. I show up at games for batting practice. I stay until the bitter end. I scream at umpires. I scream at Angels players when they're slumping. I heckle opposing outfielders. I don't need the stadium PA to tell me when to cheer, when to stand up and clap, when to start a rousing "Let's Go Halos" chant. I don't need ThunderStix to get loud. But my question is, why am I the exception? Why the hell aren't all of you on your f&%kng feet when there's two strikes in the count? Why aren't you out of your seats when Vladdy's up with two men on and one out? And let's be honest...how many of you knew who the hell Mike Napoli was until he saved us from yet another sweep at the hands of the Red Sox?

You are the reason SoCal fans have a reputation as soft. We all know that NY and Boston are shitty places to live, and that's why all of them migrate to LA. But come on. The last Angels-Yankees game I went to at the Big A, there were as many Yankee fans there as Angels fans. You let them pull off the Yankee roll call in your own house! WTF????? There were even Boston fans there!!!! Granted, I was okay with that at the time, because they were all wearing shirts that said "Yankees Suck", but still! It's an embarrassment. You don't own your own house. The Angels won a World Series in 2002, and have won 5 of the last 6 AL West titles. Why the hell aren't you behind them every single night? Why aren't you raucous and passionate??? I'm dismayed by your showing.

I hope not getting fully behind your team was worth it, because it may have been your last chance. We're losing K-Rod, Teixeira and possibly our ace John Lackey this offseason. There's a chance that Garret Anderson won't be wearing the halo on his hat next year (yes, really). There's even a chance that the Halos won't be in it for the big money when Vladdy's contract expires next year. This could very well be the beginning of the end of our pathetic little run at the top, and you completely squandered it. And you watched it happen and you shrugged your shoulders and you got into the parking lot after the seventh inning so you could beat the traffic back to your McMansions in Yorba Linda. Pitiful. And what's worse, you let the Red Mother F&%king Sox do it to you again. And again. And again. Remember 1986? Remember 2003? Remember 2007? If I were less a fan, I'd turn in my Halo gear and just start backing the Nats full time. At least I know what I'm going to get from them. But the Angels are my heart...something which, I'd like to point out, you jerks in "The OC" currently lack.

And speaking of lacking heart, I'd like to speak directly to the Angels now. John Lackey, I'm glad you were pissed off after the loss at Fenway. I'm glad you didn't take the high road and just tip your cap to them. And yes, I agree that the Red Sox are not a better team than the Angels overall...but they advanced. They absolutely were better than you in the ALDS. You're complaining about pop fly three-run singles? Tell your second baseman to catch that shit! You've got a seven-time gold glover in center field that (admirably) took the blame for that one, but we all know it was Howie's f%&k-up. You're complaining about liners off the wall that would have been an out in any other park? Well, you weren't playing in any other park. You were playing at Fenway. Tell your boys to make adjustments. Like I said, I'm glad you were pissed...but it comes off as whining. Big John, I'm your biggest fan, and there's no pitcher in the history of the Angels that I'd rather have pitching Game 7 of a World Series than you (yes, that includes Nolan Ryan). You want revenge? I sure as hell hope you do, but to get that chance, you're going to have to re-up. Rally your troops and get down for next season.

To the rest of you in Orange County...take a cue from the Massholes. They're obnoxious, they're insufferable, they're huge pains in the ass, but at least they care. They're passionate, they're knowledgeable (for the most part), and they're F&%KING LOUD. It's time to beat them at their own game. And don't give me this crap that LA fans just aren't that way...ever been to a Kings game? Even when they suck (which they do), they're loud and into every second. I've left Kings games with no voice on more than one occasion. Best fans in SoCal.

As an addendum, I'm pulling for the Phils in the World Series. As much as I dig Joe Maddon (former Angels manager and bench coach), and as great a story as it is, I like that Phillies team. On top of that, I'm sick of hearing Philly bitch about how they haven't won anything in 25 years. They're not as bad as the Boston fans were, but they seem to forget that Cleveland hasn't won a thing in 60 years (Indians, 1948...Browns, never...Cavs, never). So go Phils. Tampa hasn't earned it yet.

Finally, I have faith in you, Anaheim. I'm disgusted by you, but I know you can turn it around. Make like the Monkey...and rally!!!! Go Halos!

The more things change, the more they stay the same

It's 10:02 PM, and I already want to kill the announce team. First off, Buck Martinez's voice makes me want to throw things. Secondly, they've already made three references to how the Angels have never beaten Boston in the postseason and how they've lost nine straight postseason games to the Sawx.

Yup, Simmons is undoubtedly at the game, but just in case, I'm going to give a running diary a shot here...if nothing else, to counter his, should he write one. First time for everything...so here goes.

• 10:08-Christ in heaven. Ellsbury leads the game off with a stand up double off the wall. Buck Martinez is claiming that the heat in Anaheim is responsible, and has already played the "home run derby" card.
• 10:09-Martinez points out that Lackey's made five errors this year. Caray follows with the fact that Papi's torn the Halos a new one in the postseason in his career. Papi promptly hits a sharp grounder (played beautifully by Howie Kendrick, on the right field grass), and is thrown out.
  
• 10:11-I'm already starting to wonder how Martinez can talk with his nose buried firmly between the collective asscheeks of the city of Boston. Grounder to third, inning over...
• 10:12-VH-1's been showing the 100 Greatest Hip Hop Songs of all time...was watching it during the dull as hell ending of the Dodgers-Cubs game, and I'm agreeing with most of them so far. Busta Rhymes "Woo Hah! (Got You All In Check)" at number 56...very good choice. Back to the game...
• 10:14-God I wish I was in Anaheim...
• 10:15-"it's unfortunate that Josh Beckett strained his oblique...blah blah blah..." Thank you Buck...Figgins grounds out to second...why did his parents feel the need to spell his name all weird???
• 10:16-Base hit by GA...very sharp shot in the hole on the right side, but all Martinez can say is that Pedroia should have fielded it. Jesus...
• 10:19-Mark Teixeira gets a base hit in his first postseason at bat...and Vladdy steps in with two on and one out. The chess match begins
• 10:20-...and checkmate. Vladdy swings first pitch at a letter high fastball inside to pop out.
• 10:22-Torii works the count to 3-0...3-1 (big swing on 3-0??? really?)...and draws the walk to load the bases for Howie. Angels fans actually get loud.
  
• 10:24-Chopper to third, St. Mike Lowell steps on the bag for the out...side retired.
• 10:25-Foxy Brown, "I'll Be" at number 52...forgot about that track. Very sick...remember hearing it for the first time on a drive from LA to SJ in '98...could not get enough of Jay-Z's flow on that one.
• 10:27-Took them eight seconds to mention JD Drew's heroics from last postseason...but he quickly goes down 0-2, then 2-2 (come on Big John!)...grounder to Kendrick, easy out.
• 10:28-Jason "not-Manny" Bay steps to the plate, and is refreshingly torn to shreds by Martinez...Bay strikes out swinging. Sir, I know Manny Ramirez; I've pitched to Manny Ramirez. Mr. Bay, you are no Manny Ramirez.
• 10:30-St. Mike at the plate...quick liner to GA, three up, three down :)
  
• 10:34-Forgot about the cameo by Randy of the Redwoods in De La Soul's "Me, Myself and I" video...by the way, possibly the best use of a George Clinton sample ever.
• 10:35-Napoli strikes out...and I'm disturbed to see that Craig Sager is there, standing in front of a red wall, wearing a red suit. Go Craig. Your NBA suits are better.
  
• 10:36-Who had 10:36 in the pool for the first mention of Jon Lester's cancer??? (in all seriousness, the guy's amazing for how he's recovered from the disease, and I'm shocked they waited this long to mention it)
• 10:37-Aybar shows bunt; strike. Aybar swings away; strike. Aybar grounds to St. Mike, easy out. I doubt VH-1's even back from commercial with as quick as that side went down.
• 10:38-Wrong! Young MC's iconic "Bust a Move" at number 47. Tell me you don't know every word! Don't even try to say you don't. You're singing it in your head as you're reading this. The man successfully rhymed the word 'libido'!
• 10:41-Lackey plunks Jed Lowrie in the leg to lead off the 3rd, after getting ahead 0-2. I don't want to even think it...but that's never a good sign, not with Varitek coming up, because that means the top of the order's coming next.
• 10:43-Dribbler up the middle by V-tek, great play by Lackey to get the lead runner (must have been amazing, Martinez even said so!)
• 10:44-Is it wrong that every time I see Jacoby Ellsbury's name on a graphic, I think that the words "and Meyers" are missing from the middle? Great play by Kendrick to attempt to turn two, but Jacoby and Meyers is just too fast. Two down.
• 10:46-Lackey needs to shave...he looks like me over Christmas break. Sweating just as much, too. Text to my buddy Stallings...simply saying "Fukudome!"
  
• 10:47-I love the guy and all, but I gotta wonder if Mike Scioscia has more than one facial expression...Lackey walks Pedroia, putting two on for Papi (who, in case you didn't know already, is good. Caray and Martinez pointing out his .471 average against the Angels again).
• 10:49-Papi fails to check his swing on consecutive pitches, but gets the calls from the third base ump. I hate Boston. Papi paps out to Aybar, thankfully, inning over.
• 10:50-Number 43: The Game's "Hate It or Love It". Great song...too bad 50 and Game couldn't work it out...if they could recapture that flow, it could be great. Did you know that the Game is being sued by WWE entertainment over that name (Triple H--also not his real name, in case you didn't realize--has gone by that name since about 2000, I think)? Neither did I, until recently...God, I'm a geek.
• 10:54-Figgins showing good discipline at the plate, letting the count fill up to lead off the 3rd...and goes down swinging. Lester's throwing some pretty nasty stuff out there.
• 10:55-Random still photo of Jon Bon Jovi (you know, because that's perfectly normal), followed by an eyeball high called strike to GA, who promptly ropes one onto the left field grass...nice game so far for GA :)
  
• 10:56-Reply from Stallings: "I've realized during the course of the game that even the correct pronunciation of his name is funny. He's the total package." Just marvelous :) Lou Piniella, thank you so much for bringing Kosuke Fukudome into our lives.
  
• 10:57-First Walmart jersey sighting in the stands...Teixeira's looking tough in the box so far...
  
• 10:58-Shut up, Buck Martinez...he hasn't taken a breath in about 14 minutes.
• 10:59-Officiating is suspect...Teixeira strikes out after 'failing' to check his swing. Must be nice to be V-tek and get all your appeal calls.
  
• 11:00-Vladdy has to jump out of the way of a slider way inside...I have to wonder long he thought about swinging at it before it got to him.
• 11:01-Error by Lowrie on Vladdy's grounder to short...inning should be over, but now there's two on for Torii...
• 11:03-Ouch...Torii fouls one off his ankle. I can't imagine how bad that shit hurts, but all these guys just shake it off!!! Must be the G2...
• 11:05-Torii!!!!! Nice single to shallow left to score GA! Angels lead 1-0! Unearned run for Lester, stemming from the error on Lowrie.
• 11:06-Ground out by Kendrick to end the inning and strand two, but the Halos got a run...that's the price of Small Ball...lots of runners left on.
• 11:07-I'm sorry...is New Kids on the Block on this hip hop countdown? Oh, no...I guess the Hip Hop Countdown is over, and we've moved on to Behind the Music: NKOTB. There goes my entire gimmick for this post...fucking Boston.
• 11:09-It begins. Youkilis gets a solid single to lead off the 4th. That wheel looks loose...
• 11:10-Not-Manny again...
• 11:11-Not-Manny strikes out again...
• 11:13-85th mention of St. Mike's hip injury by Buck Martinez
• 11:14-St. Mike strikes out to end the side...but now that the countdown is done for the night, I have nothing to do during commercials :(
  
• 11:17-Now, Buck's making excuses for Lowrie's error...evidently the grass is too fast for him. I wish i had an empty beer can to throw at the TV.
• 11:20-Two quick groundouts to Lowrie at short for the Halos...there goes that theory, eh Buck?
• 11:21-Looking like a real pitcher's duel after four...if this keeps up, I like our chances. Lackey's got the stuff to go deep into the game, and he's got Shields, Arredondo and K-Rod to hold onto it for him.
  
• 11:24-Family Guy's on...the one where Peter goes undercover at the school to stop the toad licking problem...and it made me wonder, whatever happened to Billy Ocean??
• 11:26-Lackey's flirting with...are you fucking serious that they're mentioning the fact that Josh Fucking Beckett's not pitching til game three again?????? Anyway, Lackey just gave up an infield bunt single. Jacoby and Meyers has got some wheels...steals second, but gets stranded.
• 11:29- Nice tie on Anderson Cooper.
• 11:31-Quarantine, eh? Yeah, pass...
• 11:33-GA reminds me of Pedro Cerrano...he just had that look on his face. Problem is, I can't tell if it's the Cerrano that can't hit the curveball, or the "Fuck you, Joboo. I do it myself" Cerrano.
• 11:34-It's the "Jesus no help with curveball" Cerrano.
• 11:36-Teixeira's too hard to type...he's just gonna be Tex from here on out. Anyway, Tex singles to left to give Vladdy a shot here...who knocks one thru the hole to right...two on, two out for Torii!
• 11:37-Ugh...dribbler back to Lester.
• 11:39-I hate Frank Caliendo.
• 11:41-Big Papi...Big Popup...again :)
  
• 11:42-Youkilis always looks like he REALLY has to take a shit when he's standing in the box...
• 11:45-Lackey strikes out Drew, and the fans give a golf clap...I hate being an Angels fan sometimes. GET UP OFF YOUR ASSES AND YELL!!! IT'S THE F%&KING POSTSEASON!!!!!
• 11:46-Not-Manny hits a two-run shot...and Caray predictably says "Manny who??" The cheers for that home run were the loudest of the game. Again, I hate being an Angels fan sometimes. Lackey gets outta the inning. I need a cigarette.
  
• 11:55-Thank God for the DVR. Ran into the creepy purple cup guy outside while I was smoking...dude's weird.
• 11:58-117th mention of Josh Fucking Beckett during the broadcast.
• 12:00-...and it's tomorrow.
• 12:02-Lester strikes out the side, and we've reached the 7th. Time for the Rally Monkey to make an appearance.
• 12:03-Jacoby and Meyers ropes one to right, and Gary Mathews, Jr. (jr. stands for 'juicer') loses it in the lights(!). Jacoby ends up at third with two outs. Just fantastic. Lackey's looking shaky, as are all four wheels on this wagon.
• 12:06-Lackey walks Pedroia, leaving two on for Ortiz. Good night, John. Darren Oliver coming in to relieve.
• 12:07-Oddly enough, the first Viagra ad of the night...would have expected these much earlier. My favorite part of the Viagra ad? The caption at the bottom that reads "See our ad in Golf Magazine". Is it really just golfers that have this problem? Does Mickelson need to tell us something?
  
• 12:12-Full count to Papi...and Oliver gets outta the jam by getting Papi swinging.
• 12:13-Second Viagra ad of the night...seek immediate help for an erection lasting longer than four hours (alternatively, call every friend you have and brag about it).
• 12:15-I think I'm going to start a drinking game for Game 2. Every time these idiots mention Josh Fucking Beckett (not pitching then either), I'm going to drink. I should be beyond hammered by the end of the game.
• 12:19-The pace of the game has slowed considerably. The Angels are letting Lester impose his will on them. Only Halos with hits thus far are GA, Tex, Vladdy and Torii. Another K for Lester.
  
• 12:24-Took five minutes for GA to line out to Pedroia. I feel the life force slipping away...that old familiar sting of "We own you" from the Red Sox is setting in on the Halos. On the upside, Tex, Vladdy and Torii are due up in the 8th for the Angels. On the downside, the entire Angels bench is sitting in the dugout. When they were up a run, they were all on the top step being loud and pulling for their teammates...they appear to have already given up.
• 12:28-Graphic flashed on the screen "Red Sox have outscored the Angels 17-1 from the 8th inning on in the last six postseason games." Now, if you'll pardon me for a moment; I'm going to slam the bathroom door on my head a few times.
• 12:32-Not-Manny flares one the opposite way and has a double. I may hate Not-Manny more than I hate Manny.
• 12:35-St. Mike grounds out to end the top of the 8th inning, and hobbles feebly up the base line...he may be done for the night. Most likely the last best chance for the Halos coming up.
• 12:36-I hate Lauren Conrad. Why did they change the song in this stupid LG commercial from "Heaven" by Warrant to "Oh Yeah" by Yello? Did Warrant sue?? Seriously??
  
• 12:40-Jacoby and Meyers makes an absolutely amazing catch on a sure bloop single from Tex. Just one of those things where nothing's going the Halos' way.
  
• 12:42-Vladdy shows some life and singles to left. Torii best come thru.
• 12:43-Torii comes thru with a bloop single, and in true Angels fashion, Vladdy tries to take third from first, and gets thrown out by Kevin "Oops, I crapped my pants" Youkilis. Torii on first, two outs. Replay shows Vladdy running thru a stop sign from the third base coach...Angels are firing on just about no cylinders right now and I'm starting to get tired.
  
• 12:47-This should say something about Angels fans; I just spotted another Walmart jersey in the stands. The name on the back? Scioscia. I could understand if it was a Dodgers jersey with Scioscia on the back, but...no. It was an Angels jersey. Angels fans, here's a tip; you don't ever get the manager's jersey. Ever. I was born in the wrong state.
• 12:50-Kendrick grounds out to short. Jon "Hey, aren't you that kid from Detroit Rock City?" Papelbon starts to warm up in the bullpen.
  
• 12:52-Why do they insist on showing the E-Trade commercial with the baby puking? The other two are so much better...haven't seen the clown one in months. Just saying.
• 12:54-Shields back to work for the Halos. Lowrie singles. V-Tek sac bunts him over, and Jacoby and Meyers coming up...he's already been on base four times. This is my existence.
• 12:58-And the remaining wheels have come off. Jacoby and Meyers singles to right and scores Lowrie. So now the Halos are two runs down with one away, with Usain Bolt on first, and the ever-devoted Angels fans are heading for the exits. Chants of "Let's go Red Sox" echo from the stands. I love Anaheim.
  
• 1:00-Jacoby and Meyers steals another base, eliminating the DP possibility.
  
• 1:01-Angels catcher Mike Napoli takes a hard foultip off his knee and collapses...a fitting development.
• 1:04-Ortiz strolls to the plate and Caray says: "his 14 game LDS hit streak is on the line." First pitch swinging up the middle, base hit, scores Usain Ellsbury. Arredondo comes in to stop the bleeding. Hitters number seven-eight-nine in the lineup coming up in the bottom of the ninth (if we ever get there) to face that kid from Detroit Rock City. Just wonderful.
• 1:08-Arredondo gets outta the inning, which makes me realize, as much as I love K-Rod, the Halos are going to be fine without him next year. Arredondo is money.
• 1:12-Graphic: "Current Angels Postseason roster is 1-38 against Jonathan Papelbon." Not sure why I'm still awake.
• 1:14-Just caught a glimpse of the Carl's Jr. ad on the right field wall. God damn, a Western Bacon Cheesburger would go nicely right now. I've completely lost interest in the game as Kendry Morales has come in to pinch hit.
• 1:15-Okay, Morales can stay. Pinch hit single to right :) The Rally Monkey makes an appearance on the JumboTron...hope begins to trickle back into my consciousness.
  
• 1:17-Seriously, Papelbon looks like Sam Huntington. I can't look at him without thinking of Jimmy Olsen in Superman Returns!
• 1:18-After Aybar strikes out, Chone Figgins remains the last hope...and he's 0-4 on the night...and he quickly gets behind 0-2.
• 1:21-Ballgame. I quit. Fuck Boston. Good night.